My empathy exercise (and how I repeatedly tried and failed)
The classical definition of empathy is when we put ourselves in the shoes of others. In Filipino, it is “pakikiramay”. Pakikiramay, broken down means:
Maki or paki — a request for action, and ramay or damay — taking part of. Pakikiramay, if translated directly to Filipino is to share or take part. We often use the word pakikiramay to express sharing pain with someone. But how do we develop the ability to empathize… or pakikiramay?
Well first, do you know who this character is?
Yes, it’s sadness from Crash Landing on You. Just joking. No, from Inside Out!
So, I want to start with this. This concept of pakikiramay reminds me of the Pixar movie Inside Out.
For the uninitiated, the movie’s a coming-of-age story about a human girl Riley as she adjusts to a new environment and community when their family moved homes.
The twist here is that the movie’s POV is mainly the BACKEND of Riley’s experiences and behaviors. This is done by personifying 5 emotions which Pixar deemed to be the building blocks: Joy, Anger, Fear, Disgust, and Sadness; and letting these 5 interact with each other. And basically, we see how their interactions affect how Riley behaves in the outside world.
Now, spoilers ahead. At the start of the movie, when Riley was a young child it was Joy who was leading their group. It was this time wherein Riley was always playing, making friends, and basically enjoying her little life.
But when Riley and her family moved houses, she was put in a new and uncomfortable environment, and the leadership among the emotions went haywire. The 5 were trying to take the wheel to steer Riley towards the appropriate emotional direction; but alas, Riley was a tween, and like any tween that use alcohol-based colognes and Axe Body Spray, Anger took over the wheel and sent Riley into a path towards teen angst. A little storylines later, after the different emotions brought havoc to Riley’s emotions, Riley felt deep sadness.
Sadness was now driving the ship. And much to everyone’s surprise, she was the best driver for this part of Riley’s journey. Sadness allowed Riley to weather her storm.
In one scene in the film, when Riley’s parents were discussing what their daughter was going through, we were given a peak into Riley’s parents emotions. We saw their drivers. When the camera zoomed into the mom: look at who was driving:
It was Sadness. This is just my interpretation but to me this was Sadness maturing into something else — into Empathy.
Of course this is not about critiquing the movie. But this pretty much drives my point. Empathy happens when are able to mirror others’ pains. When were able to take part of what’s hurting them.
Elements of Empathy
Therese Wiseman, sa well-suffixed doctor — mainly a Professor of Applied Health Research in Cancer Care is often quoted on her 4 elements of empathy:
- Perspective-taking — seeing the world through the eyes of others;
- Withholding judgement — appreciating others as human beings;
- Recognizing other people’s emotions — understanding others’ feelings; and lastly
- Communicating understanding — showing or telling others that you empathize
Now let me tell you four stories of how these elements applied to my life. And mind you, these are stories of failures, not successes.
Perspective-taking
I took an empathic — systematic thinking test before and scored below average on empathy and above average on systematic thinking. I took a DISC personality test and got a Dominant — Control result. A long time ago I took a Myers-Briggs personality test and got an INFJ — which means Introvert, Intuitive, Feeling, and Judging. So yes, as mentioned, this is not a series of success stories on empathy!
In 2012 I was juggling 2 jobs: I was teaching with Benilde and for my day job, I was a team lead of a design team of a property company. By then I’ve been with Benilde for a year and with the property company, I was the new hire. So basically, because I was juggling 2 roles, I came to my day job very early — 6:30 am so I can leave by 4 pm to teach with Benilde.
My team were more tenured than me, some were older, some younger. They enjoyed playing Call of Duty during break and down times and eating lunch together. I didn’t join them because I can’t. I had to finish my tasks so I can leave for my next job. It was as systematic schedule I’ve devised that worked well for me.
Every week I would ask for task updates and make kulit for delays. I would do this efficiently and systematically. Check, check, and check and then I’m out of Makati and into Malate.
Eventually, that took a toll on my relationship with my team. A team member, told me: “Don’t treat me like one of your students”. That shocked me. I thought that I had good intentions, did the best — most efficient job I can for everyone, and yet this. Eventually I left the company. And although I can say confidently that it’s not because of subpar work, I regret to say that it’s largely because of strained relationships.
I did not take time to take their perspectives. To join them and ask why they played Call of Duty during breaks. Why they enjoyed taking meals together, and what was taking them so long on their tasks at times?
Looking back I believe I committed 2 fatal mistakes: 1st is a common mistake of young college faculty or team leads — being the Sage on the Stage — trying to prove to students and team members just a few years younger than you know better. My overcompensation meant I slid too far away that I missed taking their perspective. And 2nd — I spent too little time with them. You cannot take someone’s perspective just through checklists and emails. It take time together, meals, maybe even drinks together.
Sometimes though we think we know how someone feels. This is called Cognitive empathy. “We know” how they feel; but we know that knowing how someone feels is very different from feeling how they feel.
This brings me to the 2nd element of empathy —
Withholding judgement
We may know how someone feels but I know that you know this: it feels so good to judge people. I mean it’s a guilty pleasure for everyone, and yes it’s normal, but no I don’t think it’s right.
What essentially makes it easier for at least me to withhold judgement is developing Emotional Empathy. Emotional empathy is like catching a ball — but the ball is someone else’s emotions. You feel how others feel.
Story Time!
This is again during my time as a faculty. I was in my usual teaching a 6–9 PM class when I saw one of my students sleeping. I woke him up and asked him to wash his face. He came back and a little while later, he’s asleep again! Okay so I thought… “is the lesson boring?” and then escalated to “am I a boring teacher?” And it spiraled to “This guy’s disrespecting me!” See the lack of perspective taking there? Again, I was young, tired from the day job I came from, and overcompensating for my age.
I shouted at the student and asked him to step out of the room. After that I continued the lesson and asked everyone to go on a break.
After I cooled down a little, I asked the student to step in and we talked. I asked him what the problem was. Why we has always sleeping in class. His answer continues to haunt me to this day.
“Sir, my dad died, we’ve been making funeral arrangements. I’m sorry.”
I was embarrassed. I felt like I’ve sinned big time. At that moment I felt like I was the smallest person in the world. Until now I feel bad but I wanted to tell this story as a cautionary tale.
I apologized to the guy and asked him if he needed time.
I know how it feels to lose someone. And feel how he feels. If just knew then I could’ve been kinder. But what could I do? I could have simply withheld judgement and talked to him — took his perspective.
I was embarrassed. I felt like I’ve sinned big time. At that moment I felt like I was the smallest person in the world.
Rick Riordan simply puts it: “Don’t judge someone until you’ve stood at his forge and worked with his hammer, eh?”
This brings me to Therese Wiseman’S 3rd element of Empathy:
Recognizing other people’s emotions
My career started with the visual arts, so I’m more of visual guy so I like comparing emotions to let’s say colors — not through color psychology okay, but of pointillism or pixel art.
We can see colors the brown the blacks and the blues. but it putting it together to form and interpret them as figures is entirely different.
I think that it’s similar with emotions. We can say that “hey that’s sadness I see in that guy” but to recognize “that person is sad” is different. Understanding is different from knowing; and that mistaking knowing for understanding is can be dangerous.
I think we all have friendships or relationships that we regret losing. I have mine, of course.
I had this very good friend of mine several years ago. I will not give too much details ah kasi I dont want to reveal who this person is for their privacy, but this is how my story vaguely goes:
We were very good friends; have been great friends for 10 years before an incident happened. This friend introduced me to date one of his team members who is now my wife. A few years ago my friend unfriended me and my wife. We were absolutely clueless as to what and why that happened.It was a big deal to us because we were very close. And no, this is not a petty “big deal… being unfriended, grow up” no; withhold judgement for a sec!
Of course it triggered negative feelings on our end. What did we do to deserve that?
Now going back to the 3rd element of empathy: recognizing emotions. What we saw in their action was anger. Galit ba siya satin? Bakit tayo inunfriend ng walang paliwanag. But like pixel art or pointillism, you need the larger whole to understand the full picture… what the true emotions were. We saw anger but I think the true emotion was sadness.
My friend unfriended me and my wife when my wife had to resign from work due to some serious back problems that had her bed ridden for a week. Their interpretation of the resignation might have been different, probably causing anger in them. I took their teammate away from them. My wife and my friend — they were very close, like siblings, and it seemed like I took her away.
After a little time and understanding, we recognized that maybe it was sadness that triggered that action not anger. And if we recognized that early on, our reaction would’ve been different.
We use different colors to paint the same picture.
Okay I feel like a priest finishing his sermon but here, the last element of empathy —
Communicating understanding
Simply put: Empathy demands communication. You cannot empathize without expressing your empathy with the other person. If empathy is sharing the emotion, you cannot share without telling the other person: “hey let’s share”. Taking and not telling is stealing!
Here, I don’t have a specific story to tell you, but let’s imagine.
Imagine yourself angry and hurt. Imagine throwing that anger and hurt at someone. Punch the person next to you; give that person a little pinch. Throw in a swear word or two. Imagine throwing that pain unto others.
Now imagine them not responding. None. No response, no connection, no reciprocation or return. It hurts more right?
This is because are softwired for connection and community. We need to be social. We need other people and we need them to respond to us. This is why communicating understanding is important. The last but not the least.
Before he died, Christopher McCandless, a guy who went into the Alaskan wilderness to live alone, independently from other people, documented his life and wrote this quote in the margins of a book he left behind: “Happiness is only real when shared.”
I think though that it’s not just happiness but Emotions. Emotions need to be recognized and for them to be recognized we need to share it. Otherwise, our emotions, all of us, are merely delusions to each others’ eyes.
Now you might be thinking, is empathy my responsibility alone? Well, I think the weight of empathy rests on the person empathizing. And that’s why we need to spread the load.
So I hope that the key take away isn’t “Wow! This Tq guy’s so bad at maintaining relationships!” I sure hope not; but I think we’re all a work in progress in this area and that’s okay. We’re not perfect and we’re all navigating this wild, problematic, wonderful world as beginners.
To end my story, I’d like to borrow a quote from one of my favorite dinnerware, Plato: “Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle.”
Edit: a friend told me that it wasn’t actually Plato but John Watson that said this line!
I say let’s use our sadness to recognize other people’s pains. And let’s never shy to tell them that we feel with them. Otherwise it’s not empathy, just delusion.
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